A Chance to Reflect

**this post was written 11 months ago almost to the day, yet I have wavered back and forth about whether or not I wanted to post it. Alas, I think it's worth sharing. Be warned, it's a long one, but then again, so was my August of 2013. ;)** Who knew we would be right back in the same spot 9 months later, but after rereading and editing this post from a year ago, I am proud to say that we are stronger and more aware and most importantly thankful of our blessings each and every day.

First of Sept 2013...

picture taken 10 minutes before the break

stage 3 humerus fracture

This past weekend has been a true test - a test of strength and courage, patience and perseverance, and that of faith because it has been one of the hardest weekend's that we've had to endure as a family.  In the past 72 hours, we have carried each other through ups and downs and have prayed to God and thanked Him for not only our little one's safety but for our own well-being as well.

The emotional roller coaster alone has made me question so many things about being the best mother that I can be, and it is truly the hardest job I have ever known as it's an around-the-clock, no breaks, no lunch hours, no vacation or sick days. Just me and the babies, all day every day. Don't get me wrong here, I love every second I get to spend with them and am so grateful that I get to be home with them on a daily basis, yet lately though, I have been having a tough time juggling it all by myself (closest family is 3 hours away) and have felt rather worn down. With that tired, worn-out feeling, I have learned that I simply need to give myself a break - taking time to better care for myself because if I can't take care of me, I can't take care of our children. Easy enough, right?

I know this, but it is easier said than done sometimes! I run around from sun up to sun down making sure that they are happy, clean, and fed, and more often than not, I forget about taking time for myself - the basic needs in life - eating, bathing, and getting enough sleep - I just haven't been good about it. I know it sounds terrible, and it is, but it's just a matter of fact. I sleep with one ear open, forget to fix myself lunch, and I get bathroom breaks with four tiny feet in tow. It's been hard to find the balance in my life - a chance to reflect on the day, reflect on my role in their lives, to just be me. Not mama, not wife, but Martha. It's a tough gig to balance, and although I am mama and wife first and foremost always, it is of benefit to us all for me to have an outlet besides the backyard! Heh.

So, I've started yoga recently, and I finally found something that I love, yet I have noticed with this new found "me time," I have been running myself even more ragged.  So, for the past couple of weeks, I have really worked on taking that time for myself to just breathe, be thankful, and be in the moment.  After a trip to my parents to simply get an extra pair of hands, and after I ran into a woman at the health food store whose wise words resonated within me, things were looking up again. "Think of the airplane. You always have to help yourself before you help another," the sweet lady at the health food store said as she was reaching for the last 5 bottles of Blk Water in the refrigerator leaving me one if I wanted it. She had recently lost her daughter at age 34 who left three young children behind, and she wanted me to understand the necessity in taking care of not only each other but ourselves in order to be here in the long run. I had never met this woman before, and I hope to run into her again to thank her for her kind words and grounding wisdom. After a trip to Macon and the meeting with this saintly person, I was feeling ready to take on the world again.  Ready to take on each day with a grateful heart and an open mind.

this sentiment about sums it all up!

This past weekend is where I felt knocked down again.  I feel as though the entire month of August has been a test of my faith because as soon as I get up, I get knocked down again.  The biggest lesson learned here is to always keep the faith and always know that God is with us, not against us.  In my life, I have learned very hard lessons, and each and every time I feel as though God has brought me to it, brought me through it, and that I've turned out an even better person in the end.  Sure, I've had to learn the hard way along the way, but then again, who hasn't?  I am living some of the best days of my life, and I wouldn't trade any of it for a second, but for the past month, I have been doing my best to just keep my head above water, and I have learned that that's OK too. It's OK to allow myself to feel overwhelmed from time to time with two tiny people that depend on me for their everything. It's a big job. Being a mother is the toughest gig on Earth, and I believe whole-heartedly that it takes a village to raise just one!

September 2013

I am their whole world, and it is in that responsibility that I feel some sort of guilt and extreme sadness for the event that unfolded Friday afternoon, August 30. As you all may know, Naomi suffered a stage three supracondylar fracture in her humerus bone....that's fancy for "snapped in half" just above the elbow. She was jumping on to her high double bed to grab some stuffed animals when she missed her footing and flew backwards - feet in the air. After a painstaking cry I'd never heard before that will surely haunt me for sometime, I ran around the side of the bed and immediately knew it was broken.  With Ben in his diaper, and I in my...cap? No, more like ratty, no-one-should-see-me-like-this clothes, I ran to buckle him in the car, flew back in the house to tend to Omi and ever so carefully carried her and her deformed arm to her carseat.

"If only I had this.." or "if only I had that.." have been playing over and over again in my mind thinking things would have turned out differently. I have one million + things to be thankful for and for those I am so very thankful, yet I am tearing myself up inside about what I didn't do or what I could've prevented.  It's a good lesson learned, as I know it wasn't my fault, but as a mother, you want to fix everything and endure your child's pain for them tenfold. Sometimes you just can't. Sometimes the only thing you can do is comfort them, and boy, is that a helpless feeling as a mother.

I think this entire thing has been harder on me than her because her resilience is amazing us all every day! I've learned that the strength of a 28lb three year old is way more than I ever thought of before, and I can learn so much from just watching her bounce back. She is one tough cookie, and I am one proud mama.  Even through the toughest of times, we are shown grace and resilience, and for that, I am forever grateful!